More and more, phone conversations with my parents (because if you call and Dad answers, the first thing he says is, “Pat, pick up the phone, Susan’s on the phone.” And if Mom answers, the first thing she says is, “Eddie, pick up the phone, Susan’s on the phone.”) are like Marx Brothers movies. Yes, they feel this zany.
I spoke to my parents this afternoon on the phone. I haven’t seen them since we got back from Thanksgiving because I’ve been sort of sick, but I have talked to them on the phone several times. But no one remembers anything so this is how today’s conversation went.
“Susie, you’re home! How are you?”
And right away, after that beginning, I knew I couldn’t have a real conversation. I couldn’t say, “I got home almost a week ago, remember? And I haven’t been feeling well so I haven’t been over, but I’ve called you three times.”
So I said, “Yes, I’m home and doing fine.”
And my dad asked, “How is the house?”
And instead of saying, “What do you mean, how is the house? The house is just like we left it and we were only gone 3 ½ days,” I said – “the house is fine.”
After a few repetitions of the above, I reminded them that Sunday was Chanukah at Wendy and Gene’s house. My mom said, “Chanukah?” in a worried voice. My dad said, “Chanukah!” in an excited voice. And I said “Yes, Chanukah. Mark will pick you up at 4:15. Can you write that down?”
So mom headed off to find a pencil while Dad was telling her to find a pencil, and then saying she wouldn’t find a pencil, at which time Mom said she had a pencil, but no paper. So we all laughed about that. She got a paper. And I said, “Write down Sunday, 4:15, ok? Chanukah.” So she did. So she says. I can guarantee you she had not written it down right, or if she has, the paper migrated instantly to an unrecoverable location.
Mom asked what she could bring, bless her heart. She doesn’t know she’s not capable of bringing anything. So I said Wendy had everything ready, but I was going to bring something. The talk turned to food. I said I was going to make a squash kugel. Then I had to repeat the words “squash” and “kugel” many times until Dad got it, because he doesn’t hear well. A discussion of kugel ensued. Which led to a discussion of helzel and gribenes and schmaltz. Schmaltz is chicken fat and a necessary component of helzel, which is made by stuffing a poultry neck with a stuffing-like concoction that includes schmaltz, and then sewing the end of the neck up.
Let me tell you, helzel is delicious and probably about 5,000 calories a bite. But as we were discussing it, I made the mistake of saying “poultry” neck (because you can use goose or duck) instead of “chicken” neck. That took lots of clarification until dad understood I had said “poultry.” From there we went to gribenes, which is like the kosher equivalent of pork rinds and it’s a byproduct of making schmaltz.
Then my mom said, “I have a cookbook with some recipes you could use. Let me get it.” And she did! She read me the recipe for knishes, and then said should she read another? I didn’t bother saying that I could not write down the recipe as quickly as she read it, and I wasn’t making knishes, I was making kugel, and at any rate I had it all on the computer. I said, “Thanks Mom, but that’s enough. Just the knishes.”
Somehow we concluded the conversation with another reminder about Sunday.
Follow-up
- I called my sister right away to tell her I’d just had a strange conversation with mom and dad and realized that from now on, I’ll just make up answers to whatever they ask. And Cris said that she had told them several times during the week that I was home but sick, which always produces a stricken “Oh, no, is she all right?” Well, no, I was sick but it was minor and not life-threatening although from my dad’s reactions, any illness is life-threatening and the entire fabric of the family could fall apart.
- Then Cris said she had found a note at Mom and Dad’s that said “Call Cris.” Cris suspects that that’s why Mom all of a sudden has been calling her three or four times in a row. She probably finds the note that says “Call Cris” and calls her. She hangs up and sees the note that says “Call Cris” so she calls her again. You’ve just got to laugh.
- AND Cris said that Dad said he wanted to make kugel! So could Cris get him some matzos. She did, and you can use matzah flour in kugel but I’m not aware you can use the matzos themselves. So maybe he’s just going to cook the matzos with eggs like we used to eat – because Dad doesn’t really cook anyway. The whole thing is a mystery.
- Finally, Mark and I went to an art opening at Metro Gallery tonight where we saw Wendy and Gene. I asked again what time was Chanukah and Wendy said 6:00. ” Oh,” I said, “I told Mom and Dad 5:00 and Mark would pick them up at 4:15, I need to tell them the correct time.” And immediately I said, “But they won’t remember anyway so it doesn’t matter.”
But you know what? I have to tell them because this will be one of those inexplicable times where they get it right and do remember and expect Mark to be there at 4:15. So I guess we’d better have the whole conversation again tomorrow. It’s possible we’ll have the exact same conversation again tomorrow. Whatever it is, I’ll just make it up as I go.
