Posts Tagged ‘home’

Heading to Oujda: You CAN go home again


2011
05.10

Our journey through Morocco continues, proving that Thomas Wolfe was wrong – you CAN go home again.  We were finally heading to our home of two years – forty years ago!  It’s quite amazing how much it felt like going home. We left Merzouga and passed by another demonstration – the same place as the day before.  My photo is blurry – no apologies: it just didn’t seem wise to stop, get out, and take photographs, so I snapped one as the car went by.

Merzouga demonstration

The road to Guercif

There was much discussion before we left Merzouga; everyone had an opinion which route we should take.  Many suggested the southern route, which I kind of wanted to do, and in retrospect I wish we had.  The problem was where to stop for the night as there were no  hotels in the little towns.  So we settled on the road that went to Guercif, which at least had a hotel. And thus we blithely headed off, not realizing we’d be driving through the Middle Atlas Range!  We went through many of the small towns we passed through on the way down.  In one, we encountered another load of hay that seemed  precariously balanced – but as far as I know, it stayed upright.  I’d always been under the impression that if the base were larger than the top, it would be more stable.

Load of Hay

We always seemed to be passing through a town when kids got out of school for lunch break, and today was no exception.

We hit the mountains.  Oh no, not really.  More mountains?  it was cold and rainy, and this is when we found out the car’s heater did not work.  These mountains weren’t as beautiful as the High Atlas, but I was shivering and freezing so maybe I failed to appreciate the beauty.  I was not interested in getting out to take pictures.

The Middle Atlas Range

When we came down – which took far too long – we found the turnoff to Guercif, thinking we really had it made and we’d get there before dark.  We turned and  said, “Uh oh” because it was a one-lane road.  Seriously, a narrow one-lane road with bumpy rocky shoulders.  But it was a good road, so we took heart.

Good road

This was the only road we encountered like this on the whole trip and we have to assume they’re going to widen it someday because there was plenty of traffic considering.  It was scenic; plus, we drove by more old ruins.

And then things took a turn for the worse.  The good road was a trick and only went a short way.  THIS is the road we traveled on.

Not-so-good road

Did I mention there was quite a bit of traffic? We went through some more security checkpoints on this leg, and finally we saw Guercif.  It was dark, but trusting to luck, we drove down the main street and saw the Hotel Atlas.  I took a photo of a checkpoint – from a distance as you might imagine.  (If you click on a photo, it enlarges on another screen; then arrow back to return to the blog.)

Checkpoint in the distance

The Hotel Atlas was trying very hard but not quite cutting it.  The lobby was smoky.  Bad sign.  The desk clerk was trying to take my payment but didn’t quite know how to work the credit card machine so we decided we’d pay in the morning.  I asked where we should park and he said just right there in front of the hotel and told someone to move his car so we could have the space.  He was very kind and trying very hard to give five-star service. We were taken to our room, and I didn’t know whether to laugh or how to react, really.  Were we in a brothel?  There were little pink and red petals of incense scattered all over the beds and the nightstands and around the bathroom sink.  The effect was rather shocking, really.  There was a red lamp – with a red bulb – and candles all over.  Plus, on a shelf there were four decorative pitchers that looked like upright Aladdin’s lamps in graduated sizes.  It was so overwhelming, I forgot to take a picture. We tried to get comfortable and sleep because the sooner we fell asleep the sooner we’d wake up in the morning and the sooner we’d be out of there.  As I said, they were trying very hard.

To Oujda!

We were finally on our way to Oujda.  As a city it’s isolated, way in the eastern part of the country on the Algerian border, and since there are no tourist attractions, no one really goes there.  When we told Moroccans where we were going, the standard reaction was a blank face, then, “Ah. Oujda.”  I’m not so sure everyone knew where it was.  We did, or we thought we did, but on our way, a message came into my cell phone saying “Welcome to Algeria.”  Had we crossed the border? Were we in Algerian air space?

Welcome to Algeria

The drive was uneventful and when we reached town, we drove down a long boulevard with elegant street lights.  Oujda grew up in the 40 years we were away.

We encountered a large – really large – round point and saw a brand new McDonalds.  We stopped for lunch.   We like to eat at McDonalds in each country we visit to check out the different menu items and the ambiance.  The drive-through is something completely unknown to Oujda.  Looks pretty standard.  For us.

This McDonalds was brand spanking new, very modern, with a picture of Mohammed VI and his young son on the wall.  That’s one thing – pictures of Hassan II were everywhere when we used to live there, and now it’s Mohammed VI.  I wouldn’t be surprised if this is the case in most monarchies – remind people constantly who’s King.

The most fun part of this McDonalds was watching the employees – they were so proud, intent on doing everything right.  It’s not cheap, and going to McDonalds is a step up for most people, so the employees were bright and shiny and smiling.   We ate.  We left.

Again, counting on blind luck we drove to the Hotel Altas Terminus at the train station where we thought we were staying.

We did this all throughout the trip: just set out without preparation, trusting we’d find the way.  Since there aren’t that many roads in the country, it worked.  We reached the Atlas Terminus, which looked fantastic.  It was not our hotel.  We were going to the Atlas Orient so the manager had someone get in the car with us to show us there.  I’d reserved a suite, thinking that at this stage of the trip, we’d be tired and want to relax.  It was nice but not as nice as the Altas Terminus would have been.   We checked in, we unpacked, and we walked straight to 38 bis Hassan L’Oukili – our old house.  It looked exactly the same except the gates were gray when we lived there.

Our house

Let me explain the next picture.

We’re looking back at what looks like three rows of buildings.  Our house is a couple of houses in on the road on the right.  Then there’s a curve, another street, and a multi-story white building that used to be the Hotel Ibis and an epicerie on the ground floor.  When Jennifer was three, we’d send her to the store alone if we needed something.  Some flour, maybe.  It was completely safe.  No cars to speak of back then. The store proprietor knew Jenny and where we lived.  And Jenny conducted the transaction in either French or Arabic.

While we’re looking at this corner, I must tell you one more thing.  I’m taking the photograph just outside of the train station, so you can see how close it is to our house.  One day Jennifer, being quite independent, packed a little purse, put a knit cap on her head and told us she was going to take the train somewhere.  That’s fine, we said.  Have a good time.

Jenny going to the train station

How cute, we thought.  Actually, it was cute, but when she was halfway down the block we realized she indeed was going to the train station for real, so we zipped after her.

Oujda may have grown but the core of the city was the same.  It felt like home.  How could that be? You live somewhere two years, forty years ago, and it feels just like home?  I think the Peace Corps is like that.  The experience is so intense that everything is etched into your mind.

We wanted to find Café Colombo where we had café au lait many mornings a week.  We remembered it as being extraordinarily good.   We somehow blindly got to Ave. Mohammed V and walked right to Café Colombo which was still in business, and where, indeed, the café au lait and pain au chocolat were just as good as we had remembered.

It’s nice to have the old memories validated.  Another thing that hadn’t changed was that I was the only woman sitting outside at the café.  I didn’t feel self-conscious forty years ago and I didn’t now.

The pictures.  We had the old pictures.  We showed them to everyone – the waiter, the person sitting next to us, the security guard.  “See?  That is us, forty years ago.  We lived here for two years.”  We showed them pictures of Jennifer and Karen in Morocco and then Jennifer and Karen today.

Picture of friend Safia holding Karen, and Mme. Krim with Jenny

We showed pictures of Jennifer and Karen’s husbands and kids and tied it all together.  And to be fair, we showed them photos of Kim and her family also, although she wasn’t born until after Morocco.  People looked closely at them all.

Now the office.  Where was Mark’s old office?  I actually remembered how to get there better than he did!  We found Place Mohammed V, then the Palais de Justice and the post office, and then where the French Marche used to be.  Sadly, it was no longer the open-air fruit and vegetable market surrounded by charcuteries and epiceries and boulangeries.

Old French Market - the square filled with trees

And we walked to the office.  How did I know?  When we lived there I shopped mostly at the French Marche because it was a lot closer to our house than the souks in the medina.  We used baskets – now they are using plastic bags – which is not a change for the better – and I could get three days worth of food in the baskets and still be able to carry them.  Jennifer and I would walk to Mark’s office, which was right near the market, and leave the heaviest baskets for him to carry home.

Mark's office now

But you know what?  I have no recollection whatsoever of going inside the office.  I must have sent Jennifer in to find Mark while I stood on the sidewalk with the groceries instead of leaving Jen on the sidewalk.  It must have been too difficult to carry them up the stairs. Or did I go in? I think I would remember that.  Today, I would just text! But we had no phones and cell phones weren’t even an idea yet.  To call Mark, I would have had to go to the post office.   At any rate, we had a photo of the office and I said this has to be it, here.  But no, Mark said.  Yet after walking around a while, locating the mosque it was close to (and let’s face it, it’s not too hard to find a mosque) we ended up back in the same place.

Mark's office 40 years ago

And indeed, it was his office but an additional floor had been added to the building and the front had been changed..  Now, it is an attorney’s office.   Of course, since we were standing around looking at pictures and buildings, it attracted interest.  We fell into a conversation with a French man and a Moroccan and explained the whole thing, bringing out the photos.  The French guy said he moved to Oujda 50 years ago and he was a tennis coach.  Later on, as this information had been ruminating, I realized that we had actually met that guy and had dinner with him and some other people!

That concluded a very satisfying day.  Tomorrow we were going to tackle the medina and looking for our old friends, the Krims.

The State of My Union: A Week in the Life


2010
02.19

It feels like it has been so long since I’ve been connected to a routine, to my home, to myself, that I barely know how to begin.   So the title of this post doesn’t refer to the state of my marriage, which is doing just fine after 41 years, but to the state of my union to myself.

I’ll start with a deep breath.  And a pretty view.  I looked out the window at just the right moment last week and caught some beautiful late afternoon light.

I think February is the very best month in Bakersfield.

So – my last post was on a home devolving back to a house as my parents lose their grip on reality and day-to-day functioning.  That post was like projectile vomiting – it spewed out.  This one is harder, not just because I don’t have an emotional bombshell sitting on my chest right now,  but because it has to do with putting myself together.  Sort of vague – how to put oneself together when you haven’t come apart.

I had a full calender over the last two weeks.  Lots of lunches, evening commitments, and then with my sister visiting, lots of daytime lunches and visits at my parent’s house.  All the activity reinforced something I know but sometimes ignore.  Sixty-three isn’t fifty-three; it isn’t even sixty or sixty-two.  Every year my tolerance for being on the go declines just a little. I have to pace my activity.  I can only handle so much.

All tuckered out

Let’s just take this week, starting with Sunday: we had a lovely Valentine’s lunch at a great restaurant in town, appropriately named Valentien.  (The link gives you the menu which says Saturday but it was the same lunch on Sunday.) Then we had dinner at The Orchid (Thai fusion)  that same evening with my two sisters and brother just to make sure we are all on the same page regarding my parents.  My husband is restoring a Model A Ford that’s been in his family for ages, so he joined the Model A Club.  Monday night was their monthly dinner outing, this time at Moo Creamery, and I had to be social and interested in dozens of people who come together because of a common interest in cars.  Which I have no interest in whatsoever. But if my husband wants to do this activity, be in this club, I’m doing it with him.  He does an awful lot for/with me that he doesn’t want to.  He demands very little, is very low-maintenance, and I’m thrilled when he’s interested in something.

Tuesday I spent time at my parent’s house, (my father is definitely extra-high maintenance as you might expect from a nationally-known artist), went to lunch with my sisters, Target and Ross, and then went to Fat Tuesday at a local club called Fish Lips.  I didn’t really want to go but BECA (Bakersfield Emerging Contemporary Artists) was doing face painting to raise money, and I volunteered to help.  I have to contribute somehow to these organizations I benefit from.

So I put on my festive purple hat and went out after dark.

Corky Blaine was there also, painting away, and the belly dancer is Nyoka, our BECA leader. (I want to call her the Goddess, she’s such an amazing person.)

Ok, that was Tuesday.  Already I was zonked.  But we had Wednesday, and I had a coffee meeting with John Harte, a free-lance photographer whom the newspaper had hired to take photos of my Altered Landscapes show last October, and he was giving me a disc with the photos.

This photo is from the show at Metro Galleries and it’s me, my husband, and my parents.  My parents look so fine – you would never know from a first meeting that my mom has Alzheimers and is forgetting who some of the great grandchildren are and that my dad sleeps most of the day.

I was going to go to the Random Writer’s Workshop Wednesday evening, but my sisters and I took my parents out to dinner instead.  We went to California Pizza Kitchen, which my dad forgets that he hates – so it’s his new favorite restaurant.  My mom was looking at the wonderful photos on the dessert menu and she said she wanted one.  Which one, Mom? No, not a dessert, she wants to take the menu home so she can keep reading about the desserts.  It’s a good thing my natural propensity is towards laughter instead of frustration!

Thursday morning started with Starbucks – I was having coffee with Chris McKee, the mother of my former student who died a couple of weeks ago.  When I had asked, during the week of the funeral and preparation, what I could do, she said I could have coffee with her in the coming weeks, when all the relatives had left, and there she and her husband would be to face the emptiness.  That was an easy request since I’ve always liked Chris, a fellow artist.  We’re going to make coffee a weekly event, which will be good for both of us.

Zonked for sure

And then I was zonked for sure.  Picked up my granddaughter from school, came home, and called it a day.  I was supposed to go to a mini-reunion of the Vaudeville Express Melodrama, a local theater I used to be involved with, but I just had reached my limit.  So I stayed home and worked on the photo-sorting project.

Today, Friday, I had lunch at Enso with Wendy Wayne, my dear friend who had the stem-cell replacement last year for non-Hodgkins Lymphoma, and my oldest daughter joined us.

This photo is from the October opening of my show at Metro Galleries.  That’s Wendy in the middle.  She’s getting her hair back.  On the left is her husband Gene Tackett, and on the right John Hefner, my former principal at Fruitvale Jr. High.  We both retired the same year.

I’ll allow that trying to keep up with the Olympics, not to mention American Idol and Survivor, robbed me of what little free time I had, but a person has to have priorities.  And if you DVR the Olympics, it’s possible to zoom through them pretty fast.  I mean no disrespect to any of the sports or athletes, but how many people can you really watch leaving the starting point of the Nordic Combined?  And a couple of minutes of Curling seems adequate.

Friday

So it’s Friday evening and I am HOME and glad to be here.  The state of my union will solidify with some quiet time at home.  I have nothing on my schedule for the weekend, although that has a way of changing.  The parent situation is always a bomb waiting to explode.  In fact, when I got home from the Model A Club dinner on Monday, there was a phone message.  It was my mom, who didn’t understand she was talking to the machine, telling me something was very wrong with Dad – that he was shaking uncontrollably and she didn’t know what to do.  She ended the message in tears.  I called immediately and Dad answered the phone sounding just fine.  Whatever it was passed quickly and wasn’t as severe as Mom thought, if it was anything at all.  It was kind of scary that she didn’t call my sister or my cell phone, but at least she can still dial a phone.

The Photo Project

The best news and probably most helpful in getting the state of my union back to rights is that the massive, multi-week photo organization project is finished. Almost.  If you haven’t read this blog post do so – because you do not want to find yourself sorting decades of undated photographs!

So here it is – 14 cases full of photos divided into 12 compartments per case.  And inside each one is an excel spreadsheet with the contents of each of the 12 compartments, organized by month and year.  I am so relieved to have not only the photos organized, but the cases off my bedroom floor and out of the studio.  That alone is helping put order in my union.  But – there’s always a but, isn’t there?

I’m not entirely done with photos.  About 1/3 of the albums on these shelves contain family photos from high school years, college, our marriage in 1968, and our children’s lives until 1981, when the photo organization project started.  And the photos in these albums are deteriorating and fading badly so they all need to be scanned.  And then there’s this:

I found a box of really old family photos – both Mark’s and my parent’s families and early years.  So they have to be scanned for sure – and there are more photos than it looks like spilling out of this box.  Including the stack of photos under the box.

But that’s for another day.  I can start this project soon, but at least there will be nothing taking up space on the floor, so as long as my surroundings are ordered, my mind will be ordered.

So the state of my union is tired, basically.  Last week proved to me what I already knew – I have to keep my activity closer to home if I hope to get back in the studio and keep my mind clear.  None of these multi-meal out weeks – which are killers of balanced meals as well as expensive.  Going out nights and being out late (um – 9:00 pm is late)  is especially hard, and I need plenty of down time.  Home is the anchor.  Home is February’s theme for Creative Every Day, and it’s an important theme, because for most of us, if we are lucky, it all starts and ends at home.

Aging: When a Home becomes a House


2010
02.13

We talk about houses becoming homes: a house is just a building until the people that occupy it bring it to life.  It becomes a home.  The structure is alive with activity, its inhabitants laugh, cry, learn, and grow.  They eat and sleep, and they decorate.  The house is festooned with bits and pieces of its owners:  kids draw on walls, put keepsakes on bulletin boards,  measure themselves on a wall or door jamb near the kitchen; parents put magnets on the frig, pin up their kid’s artwork, add mementos, posters, paintings, and other decor.  Everything that adorns the house tells a story about making that house a home, making the memories.  However, the objects tell the stories only as long as the inhabitants can interpret.  What we don’t now know about my parent’s home, we aren’t likely to learn.

My parent’s home is becoming a house again.  Dad is 91 and while his short-term memory is starting to fail him, he’s articulate and mentally with it.  My mom on the other hand is 86 and her memory has ceased to function.  Mom is a shell of her former self and her home is a shell for her.   My parents have been married 67 years and are very much in love still, but mom isn’t the same companion, the same woman who just a month ago would sit on the sofa with dad holding hands.  So my dad’s home is taking on the identity of a house, simply a structure, also.

Mom doesn’t do any of the activities that keep a home functioning anymore.  Dad knows that.  But so much worse than losing the care that makes this house a home, his wife, the woman who kept the home functioning, is slipping away from him.  And as Dad’s memory slips away, so too do the stories that animate the objects.  Everything slips away from us, the children.  The stories we forget can’t be retrieved. The family history that isn’t already recorded is lost.

The process that robs the house of life is mystifying, upsetting and poignant.   People are starting to slip away.  Just today my mom wondered who that cute little boy Jackson was.   Jackson is one of my grandkids – he lives in Colorado, but he is talked about unceasingly in my parent’s household.  Why? Because my father thinks Jackson is the most remarkable child who ever lived.  Which elicits another “why?”  Because when Jackson was barely two years old, he ran up to my dad, hugged him, and said, “I love you, Grandpa.”  Mom doesn’t know Jackson anymore.  She won’t know Cooper soon, or Annabelle, or my daughter Karen. When she looks at the pictures on the frig she wonders who those cute little children belong to.

It’s funny, isn’t it? That is comes to this?

Mom can’t learn anything, and familiar tasks are quickly becoming unfamiliar. Cooking no longer happens.  My dad, who surprisingly has never operated anything in the kitchen, has tried to help in small ways.  For example, he wanted stew and laid out the ingredients on the counter – meat, carrots, onions. But Mom had no idea what to do with them.  She tries and says she’ll try harder, but she’s losing the concept of trying even.

You find out things you never knew as the home devolves.  I never saw my dad cooking, but it never occurred to me that he couldn’t – or never had.  One of my sisters remembers, in retrospect, that whenever Mom went anywhere out of town, she left food in the frig with labels – “Friday dinner, heat for 30 minutes at 350.”  I never saw him operating the washing machine but I didn’t realize that he couldn’t.  He’s lost in the household without Mom and he realizes it’s too late for him to learn.  He’s in that tricky stage when he knows he’s not remembering and learning – and watches Mom, seeing what may be in store for him.

So my sister who lives in Alaska is here for a week to see for herself the deterioration that has occurred since her last visit at Thanksgiving. She, my sister here in Bakersfield, my brother and I will talk.  There’s nothing we can do at present, but we want to talk and make sure we are all agreed.

My parents have always been adamant that no one will be in their house – there will be no live-ins, no home health, no assistance.  And at this stage, until Mom begins to wander, they do have to stay in their home, or the remnants of their home.  Moving to any type of facility is certain death – Mom is existing solely on patterns and familiarity, the little bit that she still has.  So we have to make sure the house is stocked with food they don’t need to cook.  Nuts, fruit, bread, crackers, peanut butter, milk, cereal, tuna.   We have to evaluate how important bathing is.  Things like that.  And all the while we watch the home slip away.

All of a sudden I realize I need to bring this to a close.  It’s getting a little too close to…to home.  I have to fight to maintain  perspective. I have to remember the long, full, vital lives that built the home.  And I have to remember that while the home slowly returns to the objectivity of a house, a building, a structure, it still lives within us – the children, the grandchildren, the great-grandchildren.

The Theme is Home: I’m Home, a Fractured Home, and a Poem


2010
02.03

I’m home from the cabin – finally – but I feel like I’m sleepwalking.  When we arrived home Sunday afternoon I went straight to the home of my former student who passed away.  This is a fractured home.  It’s a home that holds great sadness right now.  I wanted to call first – but in my card box with info on all the students I’ve had, Mike’s card was missing.  I looked on the white pages online and at least they had the address.  So I went over.   I don’t need to dwell on the great void that exists after the death of a child of any age.  That house will be a home again but it’ll never be the same home.  It’ll always hold an empty space.

I helped them with the obit and I’m going to speak at the service Friday.  Also making a photo board with 7th and 8th grade memories. I’ve done other things this week, including two lunches with friends, but nothing feels quite real.  Come Saturday, though, I’ll be able to put it behind me and move forward.  Mike’s family won’t be doing that so easily.

It’s an unfortunate way to begin the reflection on Home – February’s Creative Every Day theme.  But that’s life isn’t it?  Good, bad, in-between, all begging for understanding, celebration, mourning, creation.

Loose ends:  I was looking for a measuring tape in my purse today and I found – my tripod plate!  I knew it had to turn up soon, now that I’ve got two more on order.  My phone stopped charging so I spent three days cell-phoneless.  Wasn’t so bad really.  But I couldn’t call anyone because their numbers were in my phone!  New Blackberry is now in hand, thanks to the Assurion insurance program.  At $5 a month and a $50 deductible, it would take a long time to reach the cost of a new Blackberry.  A missing package that UPS showed as delivered showed up – they delivered it to my next-door neighbor by mistake, and she rarely uses her front door.  Finally, she brought it to me, and I emailed the company, that meanwhile was shipping me another one.  Photoshop stopped working on my computer, and I suspect my computer is going out.  Glitch after glitch has been occurring.  My macbook dies recently but it’s  now fixed. It just feels sort of chaotic around here and it clutters my mind.  Talk about a cluttered home?  A cluttered mind is worse.

I seem to be losing things – my brand-new Treo, my iTouch, then the tripod plate.  It seems to happen when I put something in a place other than the accustomed place.  I tell myself, remember where you are putting this, it’s not the usual place.  Doesn’t seem to work very well.  Leah says she’s cleaning out her purse, her files, getting things in order.  I have a tip, Leah – don’t put stuff in brand new places!  Of course,  Leah’s young.  She can still remember.

I remember that after than 1994 Northridge  earthquake, two of the kids came home.  All three girls lived at the epicenter, attending college at CSUN.  We completely rearranged the house to enable them to move home, then one got an apartment and we rearranged again, then the other got an apartment while the first one came back home, so everything was changed again.  Then, our youngest daughter was pregnant and Ali was born, so we cleared out of our master bedroom so Kim and Ali could have it, and by the time all of this was over – we couldn’t find anything!  We’ll be moving in about a year so we can get used to everything well ahead of the time when it’ll be too late to remember new things.  More lessons from observing my parents.

Even this post is rather chaotic, isn’t it?  It’ll have to do.  I’ll end with the last of three poems I wrote at the cabin.  It touches on home – the forest home, home for our thoughts.

Barren

The forest in winter

Is deceptively barren.

The only signs of life

Are footprints in snow.

An occasional crow

Squawks a greeting.

Or is it a warning?

Stay out of my woods.

The bird feeders sit empty.

The seed-eaters are gone,

As are the hummingbirds.

But their nectar waits, unfrozen.

I look out the upper window

Hoping to see a deer,

Because I once saw one there.

Why would it happen again?

Yet at dawn my heart quickens.

I look through that window,

The same window, the same spot,

Knowing there won’t be a deer.

No deer, no disappointment.

I knew it wouldn’t come.

Nothing green breaks free.

The snow is deep.

The deceptively barren forest,

The winter woods

Offer stillness and space.

Thoughts fill my woods.