Death. Dying. If we’re lucky, it happens later rather than sooner. As a 63-year-old, I watch my parents age and put myself in their shoes. My children will become me, watching me age and putting themselves in my shoes. It’s been of sufficient interest? consternation? to me that I wrote an essay about it, Stuck in the Middle. Today’s question asks, “What article did I read that blew me away?”
Last year, one article captured me. In fact it just about screamed my name. Waiting for death, alone and unafraid, by Thomas Curwen, L.A. Times, 2/28/09. We are all “waiting” for death, but some of us are closer than others. Perhaps because I’m watching my parents, at 86 and 91, either suffering from Alzheimers or waiting for death, this article resonated.
Edwin Schneidman
It’s about Edwin Shneidman who, at age 90, is at home attended by caretakers around the clock. Shneidman has spent his entire career with death as co-founder and co-director of the Los Angeles Suicide Prevention Center, chief of the National Institutes of Mental Health’s center for Studies of Suicide Prevention, and professor of thanatology at UCLA. He himself almost died two years ago from high blood pressure. Curwen: He expected everything to go dark, and when they pulled into the bay of the UCLA Medical Center, he started to cry, knowing that the doctors would save him. I understand.
Here are the passages I underlined, so they resonated at the time and still do. These are the author’s words: Today will be the same as yesterday, the same as tomorrow, every day a waiting and a hoping for a good death, a death without suffering. This is my father’s life at 91. He’s tired. He might have gone by now but for worry about my mother. This is what life is like. We want him to go now, both of them, before they succomb to full-time care and the indignities that come with helplessness.
Shneidman says people ask him often what the end is like and he answers: You’re driving down a road in the desert, and the engine suddenly stops, no Pep Boys, no Auto Club to help. Whether the road continues is of no consequence. It has ended for you.
He also says, and this statement grabbed me by the throat and wouldn’t let go: No one has to die, he is fond of saying; it will be done for you. It’s living, however, that takes effort – to weather the sleeplessness and worry, the relinquishing of pride, the dependency upon strangers, the plea for respect and the struggle to remember.
My sisters and I watch my parents, my dad especially because my mom pretty much isn’t processing, struggling with this, and we struggle right along with them. We care about their dignity, respect, and dependency; the struggle to remember feels like a physical struggle and we’re in the ring. We wrestle with it. We care about our own dignity when we are their ages, and we feel trepidation whenever Mom doesn’t remember. Which is always.
But Shneidman redeems that struggle when he explains his philosophy of life. Because he believes life isn’t contingent upon a god or upon prayers. There is no heaven, there is no hell. Happiness lies in the here and now and the satisfaction of living a good life without religion or myths to guide you. He takes nothing away from others’ beliefs. He just prefers Moby Dick to the Bible.
He just explained my philosophy, especially in the sentence starting with “happiness.” If we’ve fulfilled that, we can only trust those we love to respect us in all the indignities that occur with old age.
And then this poignant, powerful passage. Poignant especially because when my mother-in-law died several years ago and we were cleaning out her things, I looked at her pile of chipped, broken collectibles – that had so much meaning in her life – and thought, wow, does that sum up a life? It was a sobering thought. So to the passage: In death, things become mere things – the statue of Venus in the backyard, the gyotaku print in the kitchen, the Melville-inspired shadow boxes – no longer animated by memory, the story of their provenance. It is as if their atoms loosen and dissipate.
You can find the whole article here.
You can find Shneidman’s obituary here.
